My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”


My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.


I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁


And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19


If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”


You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.


“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.


if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm