My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
my proudest tweet
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock