My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work