My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬