My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
The honesty is refreshing
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby