My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
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date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
mmm onion ringos
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies