My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.