My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.