@XplodingUnicorn

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

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@vineyille

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

@ericsshadow

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

@gstands4guts

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

@chrizmillr

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

@Marlebean

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

@notfaizzy

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

@Contwixt

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting