[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
God has left this place
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?
Husband: GET UP!
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting