My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
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Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.