My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.