@murrman5

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

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@Cheetoe4

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

@UrPalWilly

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

@MrsTomServo

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@WhosTYE

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

@pleatedjeans

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

@EricaWhoToYou

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time