My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
You Might Also Like
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*