My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.