My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..