My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
It be like that sometimes 😆
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
