My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Thrilling chase underway
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude