My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Canada has crack?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.