My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
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[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.