My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The 6 types of sex
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over