My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.