My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
OKAY DAD
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.