my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
the noise i just made
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.