My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Well, this is awkward
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?