My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
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You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no