my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
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FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”