My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body