My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
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Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Writing, She Murdered.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story