My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.