My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.