My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.