My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
One of the best
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling