My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.