@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

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@SvnSxty

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

@

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

@LlamaInaTux

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

@ModeratelyMused

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

@SavageDabs69

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

@Jake_Vig

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@ceejoyner

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.