My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today