My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.