My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I need to get some bricks…
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.