My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
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[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I only eat vegetarians.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.