My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

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got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions


What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.


1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby


[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing


[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.


NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?


I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.


Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.


A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.