@OkieGirl405

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

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@ch000ch

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

@beefman138

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

@MarloMeekins

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

@TheToddWilliams

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

@truegritrumble

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

@DurtMcHurtt

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

@kelkulus

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

@metickleu

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.