My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
no their not
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing