My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
nyc:
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.