Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.