My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.


When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.


A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.


Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.


I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”


I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.


I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”


Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”


❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes


I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.