My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
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ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
wtf is an acronym
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
😜
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The days of good grammer has went
what
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10