My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!