My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
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I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My teenage children choosing violence
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*