My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
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the red hot silly peppers
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*