My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
OH. COME. ON.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Does beer think about me too?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single