My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
dictator is short for richard potato
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
are there any atheist mantises?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.