My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Hero horse inspires millions
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.