My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
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*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.