My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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Every work meeting this week
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.