@curlymalloy

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

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@Reverend_Scott

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

@Proxic0n

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

@jonnysun

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

@choniepony

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

@Where__wolf

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

@NeinQuarterly

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

@ddsmidt

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

@Cheeseboy22

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

@glowingritual

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

@noog

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards