My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

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My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.


I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.


Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*


When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.


Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*


If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.


I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.


If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.