My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.