My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
