My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k